Wall Street Journal To Disney: “Buy EA”.

Electronic Arts (EA), the biggest video game distributor who makes games like Madden football and the upcoming Dante’s Inferno (as discussed here before), has not had the best financial year–well, nobody really has had a good year, financially. I’m sure Disney has taken a hit or two, but perhaps it’s still in the black due to inventing and owning a quarter of the world’s intellectual properties (perhaps a conservative figure).

Anyway, Wall Street is advising Disney that buying up EA would be both a good financial move and a win-win situation for both parties. While this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse (that chihuahua movie sure was close), it’s a pretty big prospect. The kotaku page linked above shows the concern of gamers that if Disney made the deal, they might significantly tone down the violent (i.e. fun) content of some titles. But really, who knows how Disney would handle the games that aren’t directly developed by them? I think combining such talent from these two companies could produce some fantastic games. But, what would it mean for the Inferno game in which I’m interested? More-assured financial backing, I suppose … as long as they don’t make the movie a musical.

Dantes Inferno: Universal Buys Rights To EA’s Dante’s Inferno.

Here’s an update to my previous post. Universal Studios will bring us the Inferno movie (same studio that did Dante’s Peak which had absolutely nothing to do with the Inferno). So, big name studio to do the movie … check. Not a bad start. Hopefully future announcements will include a great director, great cast, great composer, and most important of all, a great script.

If the movie will not have these ingredients, they shouldn’t bother at all. Otherwise critics (and audiences) will have too easy a time ripping the movie apart saying how awful it is and how it is like going through hell to watch it. Universal, don’t give them that chance–not a chance in hell! (sorry, couldn’t resist)

Dante’s Inferno: EA Developing Game Based On Dante’s Inferno.

I fully expected a movie of Dante’s Inferno to come out and then, possibly, there would be a video game based on it. But like the essence of hell itself, everything is backwards; a video game is being made first, then a movie based on it.

This has the potential to be great, except for the fact that most all video-game-to-movie adaptations completely suck. See the Nostalgia Critic for proof. What it takes to be great is dependent on the skilled hands of a good director (for the movie … and a great director/developer for the game).

A movie based solely on the poem could be quite good and interpret Dante’s vision for the modern day and could even transcend its own art. The game will only be concerned with action and fighting your way through the levels of hell. What the game will miss is the inherent love story that provides the motivation for Dante the character (and the author). I always envisioned a story that goes something like this: Dante loves Beatrice. Beatrice dies. Dante falls into despair, letting go of his faith. Beatrice, moved by his love and concerned for him and his soul asks God to help him. God puts Dante through hell (literally) so that Dante can recognize what his own life, his very self, could become if he doesn’t change. Good setup for a movie, not so great for a game.

The game’s story probably won’t go that deeply. Its premise need nothing more than: “You’re in hell, fight your way out from beginning to end.” The movie, would need a little bit of that, too, actually. There would need to be some supernatural action (add that to the deep story and great characters, you got a great movie). But if that’s the premise of the game, and the movie will be based on the game, then I think we’re going to miss a great opportunity here.

All I need to do is write that movie script of Dante’s Inferno that has always lived in the back of my mind. Where the hell will I get time for that? And if this game/movie idea is already in motion, my time is pretty much up. I can relish all I want in the potential of this project, but it will not/could not live up to my expectations. So, I just gotta go into this with the right frame of mind: this is gonna blow!

P.S. And in case you missed this news, Heaven, the Game, is coming out, too. … OMG …

15 Things that it Took Me 50 Years to Learn
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens … somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your friends love you anyway.

It is nice to be loved. It is nice to get surprises. It is nice to know someone is thinking of you. This note was on my desk this morning:

Todd,

Since I know how much you love yams, I brought the biggest one from my garden.

A. friend

Aww. How nice.

This thing must have come from Texas. Or maybe it was originally from Area 51 thought to be a radioactive meteor. Nope. This was from one of my friend’s garden which begs the question, “What the hell is this garden popping, ThermoGain?” What’s growing next to the asteroid yams, caveman club zucchini?

Thanks to whoever it was that thought of me and gave me this surprise. I have been laughing my ass off all day. But, what am I going to do with it?

This monster is big enough to feed the inhabitants of a small town; too bad the next day they will die of food poisoning.

A good stapler is hard to find. I moved to a new office recently and in the box of crap from my old diggs my stapler went away without leave. But don’t get me wrong, it was not a good stapler. It was horrible. It never worked right. Good riddence to the decrepit bastard!

Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever owned a good stapler. Does one even exist?  All the ones I have ever owned could never get the first staple job done right. I get sheets of paper, staple it <wonk!> it is all crooked and warped on one end while the other side got through fine … as if they talk to each other saying, “You idiot! We work together on this! You go through the paper, then you turn.” And the crooked side says, “Oh frag, I think I’m dead!”

That one side gets so mangled that you have to remove them with the office version of the “jaws of life.” (see photo above) Yeah, this wrinkled up staple business is such a problem someone (someone probably other than the inventor of the stapler) had to invent the staple remover. Now you have to own both to be productive.

In the same line of thinking, I got a new swanky cell phone and of course I need a case for it. Why? Because you might drop it and a case would protect it from breaking. Well, I never dropped the phone once until I bought the case! Within an hour of walking out of the store with the case and its included belt clip, I dropped it four times! Good thing I got the case–darn extras.

I digress. Once you get the staple out it is time to try again. Often the second attempt proves successful. But why oh why did not the first staple work?! I guess the paper got softened up–like someone trying to open the pickle jar and can’t, but the next person opens it with one turn. Yes, the first person loosed it.

Why should I even use a stapler? I’m trying to be “green” and trying to push the recycled envelope toward a “paperless society.” Therefore, we could have a staple-less society and use those staple removers as office gargoyles.

This, from the makers of the new Aquafina, now with moisture!

“Vegetarian beans” is redundant. I realize that many refried beans are made with lard (mmm) which necessitates such a disclaimer. But in their proper context, of all the veggies out there, beans should be the veggie most dependable to simply be nothing more than frikkin’ vegetables!

I love these cat cartoons from Simon Tofield. Too funny …

It’s good to know I’m not the only one with odd interests. Dave Lafferty, over at davelafferty.com hosts the “Dante Explorer.” A cool blog about all things Dante including articles on sections of the Inferno. Use that site and my own Virtual Tour of Dante’s Hell and you’re set to be an expert … an expert of the afterlife.

Toy stores … there used to be one for every mall. Now, where are they? I was at a (sarcasm starts) brilliant mall today called Fayette Mall (yeah, you know it - and no, no link to it) and they have a really cool little indoor playground with those big rubbery things kids can climb on and efficiently spread germs. But NO toy store. I guess the playground is there to distract kids of this fact.

The mall in my local town just closed its toy store, one that had been there from its opening over 20 years ago. To me, it’s no longer a mall anymore. If a mall doesn’t have a toy store, it’s not a real mall. But where have all the toy stores gone? The mall’s answers:

1. No room … bull crappy malarky - at Fayette I was flabbergasted when on my right was an Abercrombie & Fitch (I guess it’s all clothes in there, dunno - instead of window displays they have blinds - ooo what’s next? A freakin’ bouncer?) … and on my left was an Abercrombie. Huh? Did they split up? Are they competing? Where’s the Fitch store? Nobody likes him? (or her?) What is the point of this repitition? I feel like Montgomery Burns on The Simpsons when he encountered ketchup and catsup. This is like having a KFC across from a Lee’s Chicken - like having a Logan’s Steakhouse across from a Texas Roadhouse - or a Taco Bell next to a toxic waste dump. Do we really need something as stupid as this classified as a paradox?
2. Go to Target for your piddly toys … unless you’re in my town, go to Wal-Mart.
3. Go to Toys R Us … if you can find one (and if you do, find how to get to their parking lot - all of them seem elusive like trying to exit a casino).
4. Go to the Disney Store, there are toys there … well, um, ok, yeah …
5. We need another Limited Too, Also … sheesh we’re not lacking in clothes in society are we? It’s like looking at those car dealerships - do they really sell all those cars?

Who knows why the toy stores have left the mall. I guess they just weren’t cool enough - but that’s what made them cool.