I saw this dial recently inside an eye doctor’s exam room. I never knew there was a mechanism, let alone an actual dial, to switch OFF muzak! Every doctor’s office and supermarket should have these dials available to the public … to turn to the OFF position …

On second thought, . . . → Read More: Muzak Switch]]>

I saw this dial recently inside an eye doctor’s exam room. I never knew there was a mechanism, let alone an actual dial, to switch OFF muzak! Every doctor’s office and supermarket should have these dials available to the public … to turn to the OFF position …

On second thought, let us not have these publicly available so as to not introduce the insipid temptation to turn it to the MAX position; God help us. Instead, let us simply not have muzak at all.

Finally, let this be proof that muzak sucks. As the dial shows, it only goes to 7 (or “max”). And we all know music that rocks goes to 11.

A good stapler is hard to find. I moved to a new office recently and in the box of crap from my old diggs my stapler went away without leave. But don’t get me wrong, it was not a good stapler. It was horrible. It never worked right. Good . . . → Read More: I believe I have no stapler]]>

A good stapler is hard to find. I moved to a new office recently and in the box of crap from my old diggs my stapler went away without leave. But don’t get me wrong, it was not a good stapler. It was horrible. It never worked right. Good riddence to the decrepit bastard!

Come to think of it, I don’t think I have ever owned a good stapler. Does one even exist?  All the ones I have ever owned could never get the first staple job done right. I get sheets of paper, staple it <wonk!> it is all crooked and warped on one end while the other side got through fine … as if they talk to each other saying, “You idiot! We work together on this! You go through the paper, then you turn.” And the crooked side says, “Oh frag, I think I’m dead!”

That one side gets so mangled that you have to remove them with the office version of the “jaws of life.” (see photo above) Yeah, this wrinkled up staple business is such a problem someone (someone probably other than the inventor of the stapler) had to invent the staple remover. Now you have to own both to be productive.

In the same line of thinking, I got a new swanky cell phone and of course I need a case for it. Why? Because you might drop it and a case would protect it from breaking. Well, I never dropped the phone once until I bought the case! Within an hour of walking out of the store with the case and its included belt clip, I dropped it four times! Good thing I got the case–darn extras.

I digress. Once you get the staple out it is time to try again. Often the second attempt proves successful. But why oh why did not the first staple work?! I guess the paper got softened up–like someone trying to open the pickle jar and can’t, but the next person opens it with one turn. Yes, the first person loosed it.

Why should I even use a stapler? I’m trying to be “green” and trying to push the recycled envelope toward a “paperless society.” Therefore, we could have a staple-less society and use those staple removers as office gargoyles.

This, from the makers of the new Aquafina, now with moisture!

“Vegetarian beans” is redundant. I realize that many refried beans are made with lard (mmm) which necessitates such a disclaimer. But in their proper context, of all the veggies out there, beans should be the veggie . . . → Read More: Veggie Beans?]]>

This, from the makers of the new Aquafina, now with moisture!

“Vegetarian beans” is redundant. I realize that many refried beans are made with lard (mmm) which necessitates such a disclaimer. But in their proper context, of all the veggies out there, beans should be the veggie most dependable to simply be nothing more than frikkin’ vegetables!

Toy stores … there used to be one for every mall. Now, where are they? I was at a (sarcasm starts) brilliant mall today called Fayette Mall (yeah, you know it – and no, no link to it) and they have a really cool little indoor playground with those big rubbery . . . → Read More: Where have all the toy stores gone?]]>

Toy stores … there used to be one for every mall. Now, where are they? I was at a (sarcasm starts) brilliant mall today called Fayette Mall (yeah, you know it – and no, no link to it) and they have a really cool little indoor playground with those big rubbery things kids can climb on and efficiently spread germs. But NO toy store. I guess the playground is there to distract kids of this fact.

The mall in my local town just closed its toy store, one that had been there from its opening over 20 years ago. To me, it’s no longer a mall anymore. If a mall doesn’t have a toy store, it’s not a real mall. But where have all the toy stores gone? The mall’s answers:

1. No room … bull crappy malarky – at Fayette I was flabbergasted when on my right was an Abercrombie & Fitch (I guess it’s all clothes in there, dunno – instead of window displays they have blinds – ooo what’s next? A freakin’ bouncer?) … and on my left was an Abercrombie. Huh? Did they split up? Are they competing? Where’s the Fitch store? Nobody likes him? (or her?) What is the point of this repitition? I feel like Montgomery Burns on The Simpsons when he encountered ketchup and catsup. This is like having a KFC across from a Lee’s Chicken – like having a Logan’s Steakhouse across from a Texas Roadhouse – or a Taco Bell next to a toxic waste dump. Do we really need something as stupid as this classified as a paradox?
2. Go to Target for your piddly toys … unless you’re in my town, go to Wal-Mart.
3. Go to Toys R Us … if you can find one (and if you do, find how to get to their parking lot – all of them seem elusive like trying to exit a casino).
4. Go to the Disney Store, there are toys there … well, um, ok, yeah …
5. We need another Limited Too, Also … sheesh we’re not lacking in clothes in society are we? It’s like looking at those car dealerships – do they really sell all those cars?

Who knows why the toy stores have left the mall. I guess they just weren’t cool enough – but that’s what made them cool.

Since my old blog, Todd Man Out, got wiped, this is one post I wanted to bring back from the dead. It’s a keepsake. I had a quick discussion about yams today and how they are different from sweet potatoes. True or not, it makes no difference in my level . . . → Read More: The Yam Song]]>

Since my old blog, Todd Man Out, got wiped, this is one post I wanted to bring back from the dead. It’s a keepsake. I had a quick discussion about yams today and how they are different from sweet potatoes. True or not, it makes no difference in my level of disgust for them. So, let’s do this one more time:

The Yam Song

I love to eat some chocolate chips
And smack them on my lips
I love the way that Whoppers taste
I eat them fast, in haste

Honey Buns are good with glaze
Sends me in a daze
Rolls of Cake, from Swiss they come
Makes a dinner done

Taco supper is the best
Beats out all the rest
But, a certain veggie invades my feast
To which I’d rather drink some grease

It grows inside the ground below
Not a friend, a dreaded foe
Disguised in name and shape and look
To something that is normally cooked

It’s pulled from Earth to torture kids
And those who never tell a fib
It’s not a steak, an egg, or ham
But goes by the name, the disgusting YAM

Don’t say that word, oh please do hush
It’s another word for barfy mush
It’s sometimes called a Sweet Potato
Don’t be fooled, that ain’t no tater

It’s hardly “sweet” in all that gunk
Nor is it a “potato,” yams are junk
Taters are white and made to French fry
Yams are orange, same as puke pie

But oh my sweet tongue, the worst thing of all
The awful thing I wish not to recall
Is when they serve it, with things they think dandy
And make the impossible claim
“It tastes like candy”

So keep your yams away from me
Content without them is what I’ll be
Don’t ask if I like them, to that I’ll say
“YAMS ARE POISON, SO KEEP THEM AWAY!”

You put trash by the road in your trash cans and the garbage man takes it away. Simple. But what if your trash can is the trash? Not so simple. You put it by the side of the road and the garbage man won’t take it.

They . . . → Read More: How do you throw away a trash can?]]>

You put trash by the road in your trash cans and the garbage man takes it away. Simple. But what if your trash can is the trash? Not so simple. You put it by the side of the road and the garbage man won’t take it.

They don’t make trash bags big enough to fit a trash can. So, you have to signify that it’s trash another way. Perhaps a sign that says, “This is trash.” Hmm, not sure if that would work. That would look like a sign for the owners of the trash can, not the garbage man; I don’t want to insult him. Maybe I should just not put anything in it on the next garbage day? Well, that would look stupid and he still may not take it. Sheesh, what to do? How do you throw away a frikkin’ trash can?

And while I’m at it, how do you recycle a recycle bin?